Will There be Cake?

I have Lyme. I’d like to not have it anymore. I also just want cake.

Cycle 8, You Were the Worst.

Finishing the 12 days that was Cycle 8 in my Lyme Disease Treatment was like coming out of a coma of 14 more wasted days of my existence. Only this coma I was conscious enough to realize I have never felt worse in my entire life. Well, except that one time last summer where I visited the ER three times in one week because I was sure I was dying. But other than that, Cycle 8, you were the worst. Week one started out nice enough with infusions just Mon, Wed, and Fri night. However, by Friday nothing was working right in my body. Like seriously, nothing. It seemed all brain communication to the rest of my body was severed and movement, vision, digestion, breathing, speaking, everything… worked soooo slooooow. This, of course, made detoxing absolutely impossible. Then came hell week. Sun-Thur, four infusions a day (that’s 20 strong antibiotic infusions in five days), ending with the absolutely nightmare of a drug Tigecycline each night. Basically it was “let’s just pump Tara full of drugs as everything that would get rid of them shuts down week”. The drugs and dead bacteria guts with their toxins of decay … all that goodness, swimming around my body, impairing brain functioning for days. It felt like the worst acid trip and stomach flu combined. My sweet father and husband did everything for me from bringing me water 15 times a day to coaching me to breath during a limbic seizure to making me detox foot baths and reminding me I only had three more days to go, then two more… then one more. I truly couldn’t go through this without their support. I know I will credit Dr. J for saving my life (and because I like a bit of sass I’ll later say he tortured me as he did it), but I will always credit my husband and parents for truly getting me through each horrible moment and keeping me going so that there was a life TO be saved.

… Wait, I feel like I’m not done complaining. Let’s go back to that. The nausea. Let’s talk about the nausea, briefly, if I can. If there was a cliff I’d have dragged myself along the dirt, acquiring dust as it stuck to my drooling face, to its edges and rolled off. I know I have said that many times during a bout of stomach flu, but this time I actually mean it. This time trumped all. I felt nausea in every fiber of my being. It kept me up all night. It tortured me all day. No amounts of Zofran, Promethazine, or Marinol (I am taking cancer strength nausea drugs people) could keep it in check. I had to force-feed through it, watch Carl’s Jr. commercials through it, smell dinner cooking through it, exist through it. I was forced to drug myself up and try to sleep during the day, waking  for infusions and meals and a seizure or two, face constantly in the couch probably making all sorts of suffering-type noises. Just know, it was awful. Killing Borrelia spirochetes is an awful, awful, barbaric process. But if I want to live, really LIVE again someday, I have to.

*Gets on her pretend soapbox* I truly hope that future medical research can find more gentle and tolerable ways to eliminate this bacteria from one’s body, brain, and nervous system. It’s just crazy that constant high doses of Ativan, Klonopin, Neurontin, Anti-seizures, and anti-nauseaus still can’t keep me comfortable through this. That alone is a testament to how much suffering is involved in ripping out a deeply seated “Borrelia and friends” infection. Where is the new research!? Where is the advancing medical discoveries alleviating Lyme patients everywhere?! Shame on you all! I believe so many people remain ill because they just can’t tolerate adequate treatment, are deathly afraid to get aggressive with it, and opt instead to spend the rest of their lives trying to just ease their symptoms for as long as they can. It’s sadness. But I understand. I really do.

However, back to me. I have survived Cycle 8.

Aw, one little smiley face on Tuesday. One last cute, naive little smiley face.

Cycle 8


One comment on “Cycle 8, You Were the Worst.

  1. Bed
    January 24, 2016

    Well said, “Where is the new research!? Where is the advancing medical discoveries alleviating Lyme patients everywhere?! Shame on you all!”

    Liked by 1 person

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Just a little throwback of us four-ish years ago ❤️ #dctemple #dc #ldstemple I scoured my pictures looking for one of my dad today, and every one was either of him performing some sort of service for one of us kids, or looking at rocks and plants (so my dad). I found this one and it just touched my heart. Not only do I reflect on how much my dad means to me this time of year, but I also reflect on my brother who passed on just days before Father's Day in 2009. This picture is of the two of them - dad has helped all of us kids over the "rocks" in our lives, but this picture especially melts me. 
So thankful for Dad ❤️👴🏼 I know I keep posting puppers. Deal with it. Because my sister and I took her dog to the mall the other day and his little Macy's escalator butt was too cute not to share. 
Also swimsuit shopping was a fail. Per usual. 
#doggodoesanescalate #swimsuitsweremadeforonlymodels #imightbethekidwhowearsatshirtinthepool Jeans are a borderline human rights violation after you've spent the last four years in leggings and sweats. 
#adjustingtonormalpantsishard #howdoyouwatchtvinjeanslikehow #lymelife #chronicillness Sammy's first selfie. What has social media done to my child 🙆🏻🤦🏻‍♀️ #100likesandmomfeedsmesteak Perched. 
#thatonetimeinzion #zionnationalpark #utahisrad Posting as a pep talk to help me not choose ice cream for breakfast. 
#sohardwhenyougotsugarfreeinthefreezer Even smushfaces think about life. 
#perksofpuppersitting #slc #saltlakecity #slccapitol #sunsets #frenchie Dustin's photography strategy is rapid firing a million shots in the hopes I will like one instead of using any artistic liberties. This is one from about 8 of me putting a hat on backwards after I posed for an actual shot, so I promise I wasn't trying to look cool. 
But gall dang. Too cool for school. 😎

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