I have Lyme. I’d like to not have it anymore. I also just want cake.
I am pretty late on getting into the blogging game. Actually I prefer to use the term “electronic life recording” in my circumstances, so I want to prepare you for many posts written, in retrospect. This one from a Facebook post of mine (which really, let’s be honest, has been my excuse for a journal for the past several years) back on August 20th of this year.
“To stay positive… 15 Months is a long time to be acutely ill as my mother recently put it during one of my recent meltdowns where I cry I am at the end of my endurance and I don’t feel I’ll ever get better, BUT…
“Now we’ve got some marvelous models on enduring uncertainty and trusting God. First there were three young men Shadrach, Meshach, and Abbednego… as they were about to be thrown into a fiery furnace… “If it be so, king, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace”, and then the three words, “but if not, be known unto thee O king, that we will not serve thy Gods…”
On the beaches of Dunkirk, when 350,000 British soldiers were threatened by annihilation, there were critical hours… in that setting, a signal was sent from the beaches of Dunkirk to British military headquarters, a three word signal, “but if not.”, quoting from Daniel. They didn’t know if they would be rescued, but it didn’t matter, they would serve their king.
…There will be times in each of our lives when our faith must not be conditional upon his rescuing us. Because in fact, he may not, as we would choose to be rescued. … Again however, graceful endurance is not just surviving. But surviving as Job with his integrity intact.”,,, – Neal A. Maxwell.
So today, for the moment, I feel I can say with Job “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him.” We all have “but if not” situations in our lives. Mine is painful and grueling and long and indeterminate. I thought I would be better like, 8 months ago, and August has been the worst thus far. Go forward with faith anyways. That is all.”
My memory hasn’t been serving me well these days, in fact it has downright disappointed me, so I can’t remember exactly what was going on in my day that prompted me to write that. But be assured, I was certainly couch bound soaking in antibiotic drips and likely feeling weary of treatment. In fact I believe July and August I was experiencing extreme treatment fatigue. I only recall waking one morning and feeling the desire to write this… a moment of strength that always seems to come right when I want to quit.
As it usually goes with Facebook, the comments responding to my post always give me a further boost into taking on the day, and the day after, and the day after that, and so on until my next emotional crisis. Bless my little group of Facebook supporters.