I have Lyme. I’d like to not have it anymore. I also just want cake.
This is why.
(Disclaimer, this is creepy)
One evening earlier this year, about a month before I had my PICC line inserted and began IV antibiotic treatment for my Lyme Disease, I went to bed one night feeling quite alright, in fact. Usually evenings were my worst time of day and I truly hated going to bed as laying in the silent dark removed any stimulus that I usually relied on throughout the day to help distract my mind from my symptoms.
This particular night I fell asleep just fine, but it quickly turned in to this shallow, all-encompassing and horrific nightmare-fueled sleep that I would drift in and out of most of the night. I am a bit of a dreamer and have had many spiritually charged, or spiritually inspired dreams before, both light and dark. However, this particular night I also recalled feeling very physically sick and feverish during my moments of consciousness. Chalk this up to the horrors of Lyme Disease if you’d like, and even if so, I still took from it a powerful lesson. This dream began with my husband and I going to sleep in some random room. I couldn’t sleep in the room so I began painting a partition wall in the room a color green I was very unhappy with. In fact, a vague, deep, overall dissatisfaction was overwhelming. I left the room and the remainder of the house was completely dilapidated, dirty, uninhabited, empty. Except I found my mother, alone in a bathroom trying to tear out old materials to renovate it. However, she did it perfunctorily, without real hope of ever achieving something. But I knew that she was doing it because she had a spirit that doesn’t give up.
I began feeling very despondent and hopeless and left the house to search for the reasons for my feelings. The outside world was just like the house. Abandoned buildings full of abandoned and meaningless personal belongings. Everything was covered in a film of un-removable dirt. There was light in this world but it was artificial and yellow. All of the people were skin just draped over skeletons, just as dirty, with faces sallow and empty. There was nothing but doom in their eyes. I wanted to think they were just hopeless, but hopelessness exists only where hope was once possible. This wasn’t a place where hope was ever possible. There was a complete acceptance of doom, I have never seen or experienced anything like it. They had no ambitions or aspirations. They just existed without emotion until they died. There was no reason to experience emotion. With only doom at the end of their existence there was nothing to emote for. Even the dogs had no sparks in their eyes. None of them panted or wagged their tails. They just sat there.
There were dead people everywhere in various stages of decomposition. Some people gathered them in specific areas to rot, but many were just left as is. People drove over them in the streets. I can’t even describe the all-encompassing and horrific feelings and sensations I experienced in this dream that would continue after I would briefly wake to toss and turn. I can’t find language to even adequately describe the scenes of this dream. This dream had placed me in a world that God abandoned and Satan had taken over. This was a world where an atonement was never enacted, where there was nothing but permanent, perpetual decay. Sorry, this is dark. But so is our real alternative.
Eventually I woke up enough to realize a bit of what was happening. I felt so sick and nauseous. I was so haunted by my dream I could only lay in bed and try to recover my feelings of normalcy, which eventually returned.
As people on this planet, we do not have reason to lose hope. We do not live in the world of my dream. Our world may seem full of suffering, death, struggle, mindless acts of violence, disease, war, and sin. However, just look outside. We have light. True light. We have life. We have color. Flowers still bloom. Life still regenerates. I can’t begin to describe how beautiful and wonderful this life is compared to the existence I experienced in that dream. There is proof all around us that God has His atoning hand upon the earth and that nothing can happen here that would qualify us for indulging in the temptation of hopelessness. If you want to decide to lose hope, you only remove yourself from the beauty that is happiness amidst trial, the beauty that is active redemption not just later, but right now. Sustaining redemption. Here on this planet.
Hope and faith reign here. I have been through darkness. I have seen darkness. I have seen a world where there is validation for hopelessness. We aren’t in that world. So choose to see the light. No matter what.