I have Lyme. I’d like to not have it anymore. I also just want cake.
If you’ve read any part of this blog by now you’ve probably gotten a hint of my religiosity. Not that I am going to show up at your door with pamphlets claiming if you don’t listen to me your soul will be damned. I am not one to shove my beliefs down anyone’s throat. I don’t even think all of you will be damned. However, my “About Me” page clearly states that I am a Mormon. Anyone familiar with Mormonism probably knows we don’t party – in the modern sense. We have our own parties with Sprite and Dr. Pepper and lots and lots of sugar. We enjoy them just fine. Our naivety over the sensations and thrills that various substances on our no-no list can produce keeps us fairly happy. Us folks like to keep a clear head. The majority of us have never touched a beer or cigarette, let alone a cannabis product. However, today my little Mormon self is going to sing from the hills about the little THC pill that makes life worth living for me in the middle of my intense, IV antibiotic cycles.
I am about to start Cycle 9 of my IV therapy for Lyme Disease. I barely survived Cycle 8 this month. Yet, I’ve got my PICC line prepped and come Monday, I’m ready to go. And still, there is this subtle, diffused feeling of hesitancy in my soul today. Do you want to know why? It’s because I need to buy more Marinol.
Neurological disarray pretty much feels like the worst thing possible. It’s enough to get you really considering where you should buy your burial plot, possibly even pricing it out. When I was first put on Ativan I was like, “ooooh, I like this pill”. When I took my first Klonopin I was like, “Um, guys, I feel really, really good”, with a tear streaming down my cheek. I quickly began to affectionately call it “K” and I knew we would come together each night before bed and life would never be the same. But, as most benzos do… those lovely, lovely, in-a-warm-river-of-happy full body sensations dissipate all too fast.
Then came Marinol.
One time I took Marinol simultaneously with my Ativan, Neurontin, and my anti-seizure med Trileptal. Within minutes I was in heaven, being drawn to my bed by some being of love where I lay as the bed turned in to waves and the ceiling turned in to waves and for a minute I was slightly concerned but it felt all to wonderful to care… every object in my room became something capable of love and it all loved me. I floated in these waves as I fell into the best nap of my life. This was a pleasant mistake on my part, but just the same, I politely told “K” that I had found a new best friend.
Marinol doesn’t make everyone high. My doctor warned me that only a few of his patients had reported back with hallucinogenic reactions just so I wouldn’t freak out if I would be one of them. No hallucinations (maybe one), however I found Marinol to trump my benzos and bring me to a level of Marley’s greatest hits that I have never experienced before. I’m not going to sit here and get in to any kind of marijuana legalization debate. I’m strictly talking about legal pharmaceuticals and leaving it at that. A legal pharmaceutical that melts away the majority of my Lyme symptoms fast. And maybe I am only making a big deal out of this because for me, just feeling normal is a sensation so long gone that when I achieve it, when I achieve that wonderful normal, I look around simply amazed and asking myself repeatedly, “am I high?”.
I am not sure how I feel about having to eventually part ways with my Marinol. On one hand, it will mean the worst of my antibiotic treatment is over and that will be a really, really good thing. On the other, well, no more Marinol. I’ve kept a fairly straight edge so right now, this is my one little “substance” that I get away with. For the sake of medicinal effects, it truly does keep me off the bathroom floor and eating food while napalming my Lyme. But for the sake of the bake… I think my husband is on to me…