Will There be Cake?

I have Lyme. I’d like to not have it anymore. I also just want cake.

Marry Me Marinol

If you’ve read any part of this blog by now you’ve probably gotten a hint of my religiosity. Not that I am going to show up at your door with pamphlets claiming if you don’t listen to me your soul will be damned. I am not one to shove my beliefs down anyone’s throat. I don’t even think all of you will be damned. However, my “About Me” page clearly states that I am a Mormon. Anyone familiar with Mormonism probably knows we don’t party – in the modern sense. We have our own parties with Sprite and Dr. Pepper and lots and lots of sugar. We enjoy them just fine. Our naivety over the sensations and thrills that various substances on our no-no list can produce keeps us fairly happy. Us folks like to keep a clear head. The majority of us have never touched a beer or cigarette, let alone a cannabis product. However, today my little Mormon self is going to sing from the hills about the little THC pill that makes life worth living for me in the middle of my intense, IV antibiotic cycles.

I am about to start Cycle 9 of my IV therapy for Lyme Disease. I barely survived Cycle 8 this month. Yet, I’ve got my PICC line prepped and come Monday, I’m ready to go. And still, there is this subtle, diffused feeling of hesitancy in my soul today. Do you want to know why? It’s because I need to buy more Marinol.

Neurological disarray pretty much feels like the worst thing possible. It’s enough to get you really considering where you should buy your burial plot, possibly even pricing it out. When I was first put on Ativan I was like, “ooooh, I like this pill”. When I took my first Klonopin I was like, “Um, guys, I feel really, really good”, with a tear streaming down my cheek. I quickly began to affectionately call it “K” and I knew we would come together each night before bed and life would never be the same. But, as most benzos do… those lovely, lovely, in-a-warm-river-of-happy full body sensations dissipate all too fast.

Then came Marinol.

Don't. Even. Care.

Don’t even care right now. Where are the potato chips.

One time I took Marinol simultaneously with my Ativan, Neurontin, and my anti-seizure med Trileptal. Within minutes I was in heaven, being drawn to my bed by some being of love where I lay as the bed turned in to waves and the ceiling turned in to waves and for a minute I was slightly concerned but it felt all to wonderful to care… every object in my room became something capable of love and it all loved me. I floated in these waves as I fell into the best nap of my life. This was a pleasant mistake on my part, but just the same, I politely told “K” that I had found a new best friend.

Marinol doesn’t make everyone high. My doctor warned me that only a few of his patients had reported back with hallucinogenic reactions just so I wouldn’t freak out if I would be one of them. No hallucinations (maybe one), however I found Marinol to trump my benzos and bring me to a level of Marley’s greatest hits that I have never experienced before. I’m not going to sit here and get in to any kind of marijuana legalization debate. I’m strictly talking about legal pharmaceuticals and leaving it at that. A legal pharmaceutical that melts away the majority of my Lyme symptoms fast. And maybe I am only making a big deal out of this because for me, just feeling normal is a sensation so long gone that when I achieve it, when I achieve that wonderful normal, I look around simply amazed and asking myself repeatedly, “am I high?”.

I am not sure how I feel about having to eventually part ways with my Marinol. On one hand, it will mean the worst of my antibiotic treatment is over and that will be a really, really good thing. On the other, well, no more Marinol. I’ve kept a fairly straight edge so right now, this is my one little “substance” that I get away with. For the sake of medicinal effects, it truly does keep me off the bathroom floor and eating food while napalming my Lyme. But for the sake of the bake… I think my husband is on to me…

Tara… are you trying to get high on your medications?


5 comments on “Marry Me Marinol

  1. Matt Bryan
    November 13, 2017

    “Neurological disarray” EXCELLENT description and excellent writing, I concur 1000%. Glad to have stumbled onto this blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lindsay Phillips
    October 24, 2016

    Is there a way for me to read your blog? It says password protected for me. I am currently on IV treatment for Lyme. I hope you are doing well!


    • tarathackeray
      October 24, 2016

      If you are trying to read my protocol I can not publish that per my doctor’s request. Please message me through my contact me tab if you would like any information on that. Otherwise I’m not sure why you couldn’t see any other pages?


  3. Bec
    January 24, 2016



  4. chronically undiagnosed
    October 24, 2014

    This is beautifully written. I was especially struck by your comment, “And maybe I am only making a big deal out of this because for me, just feeling normal is a sensation so long gone that when I achieve it, when I achieve that wonderful normal, I look around simply amazed and asking myself repeatedly, ‘am I high?’.” This is a concept that I think only those with chronic illness can understand. I completely understand.

    Liked by 2 people

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This entry was posted on October 24, 2014 by in Humor, Lyme Disease, Lyme Treatment, Marinol and tagged , , , .
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Back, to realityyy 🎶 -

#theneighbourhood #slc #inversion #saltlakecity Last day with the past... #backtothecitytoday #bloomingtonpetroglyphpark #stgeorge #utahisrad #werutah Who’s mans is this? Oh, mine. 
#fromlastnight #desertsunset #stgeorge #utah From 200 BC to 1250 AD Anasazi Indians scribbled bunches of stuff on rock in a little slot canyon in #southernutah and more than 760 years later I came along and thought it was pretty kewl. -
#petroglyphs #snowcanyon #utahisrad #utah #hikeutah Nice rack. 🦌

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Actual quote, “Dustin give me my phone” 🙃 -
#snowcanyon #utahisrad #beautahful #petrifieddunes I made one measly official goal for 2018. Except it’s not measly. It’s mealsy. 😄😄😄... (I’ll show myself out). -
But seriously. As I’ve been clawing my way out of the dark pit that is Lyme, I’ve tried numerous diets. I’ve been low-carb for years. I tried keto. I tried low-fruit. I tried extremely high fat. I’ve gone no dairy. I’ve been no gluten for-EVER. I did the low-histamine diet. I ended things with sugar. I’ve switched to grass-fed meats. Guys, I’ve tried it all. Some helped, some are still essential, some made no impact, some made me feel worse, one ended up being a nightmare (keto, I’m looking at you). -
I know diet is a huge piece of my puzzle and I know I’m hugely affected by the food I eat. Soooo, on Dec 31st I did the only thing left and took the plunge and went plant-based. Overnight. Really I feel like I’ve been prepping for this my whole life... getting there in stages. I was always too afraid to attempt, thinking it would be extremely hard to not just follow, but to do right so you don’t become deficient in anything. I researched it for a week prior and the transition has actually been so easy for me. I’m almost two weeks in with zero dairy, gluten, sugar, processed food, or meat (with the exception of one serving of salmon at a restaurant). I already feel a difference (more energy, far less food reactions, better digestion, better sleep, and less heart pounding... hallelujah). There was only one time last week I thought “dang, I could eat some ribs right now...” but then I went to bed and forgot about it. It hasn’t been hard at all other than slightly more food prep. -

Sooo, so far so good. My goal is three months and then reassess. I will report any lasting successes in symptom reduction. I refuse to become an annoying vegan and I also think life shouldn’t be so rigid that I will ever say “never”. There IS ice cream and ribs in my future. But for now, me and my juicer are BFFs and plz don’t disturb my sprout garden. Here’s to going green! 🌱🌿🍏🥦 -
Lastly, FACT: these tacos were bomb.com. ✌🏻 -
#Lyme #lymetreatment #plantbased #plantbaseddiet #chronicillness This weekend: St George, UT for some 🌴🌞
In a few weeks: Grand Tetons for some ❄️🏂🏔
In a month: Washington DC for 💊👨🏻‍⚕️ Busy times ahead and I’m not mad about it. Also here is a random pic I took recently in the mountains. 
#girlneedssomeexcitementinherlife #bigcottonwoodcanyon #snowbirdresort #alta #utahisrad #slc Counting down the seconds until he explodes with rabid, lunatic barking... portrait of a Sunday. 
#sunday #doggotthingstogaurd #peaceandquietormayhem #portraitmode

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