I have Lyme. I’d like to not have it anymore. I also just want cake.
Cycle 9 progress: day 2.
While I was singing away my praises of Marinol in my previous post, this new best friend of mine was secretly preparing to fail me right off the bat during night one of Cycle 9 for my Lyme Disease treatment (you can learn more about my treatment protocol here) . More on the great Marinol betrayal later. Just thinking about my past 12 hours leads to me to imagine my unjust suffering to be right up there with Mandela and Aung San Suu Kyi and Malala Yousafzai, and Olaudah Equiano. I am now hoping you caught my sarcasm before I truly offended anyone. And if you don’t know any of these people (I gave you Mandela as an easy one) Wikipedia exists. But seriously, the many broken capillaries on my face will testify to how violently my body reacted to Day 1. The retching, was wretched.
But let me go back to these respected over-comers and all those who suffered, do suffer, and will suffer due to the difficulties imposed upon them in their lives, to all those whose “Marinols” have betrayed them. I’ve been thinking about unfairness. I assume that touches us all.
One of my favorite LDS Apostles, Elder Neal A. Maxwell, one who frequently spoke on the role of trials and difficulties in our lives, has said “If it is fair, then it isn’t a true trial!” I thought deeply about that. We live with a government and a people who, even at the cost of individual rights and liberties, are desperately trying to create a “fair for all” America instead of a “free to be” America. Now I believe this life to be a school. We were put here to learn, to grow. Fairness was never promised nor do I believe it a thing even possible to achieve on this earth; thinking big picture here. With that being said, obviously, injustices will happen to us.
To be truthful, I was a bit miffed when I became ill so soon after finally marrying a great guy and settling in to a really great life. I was finally in a place where I was happy with myself, happy with my achievements, happy with things I had spent decades grappling with insecurities over… a place of peace and prosperity. Then I got sick and was like, SERIOUSLY?! With eyes pleading upwards, arms thrown up in a tantrum, “haven’t I gone through enough!? Don’t I deserve a break?! Can’t I just have some time to enjoy my life for a while?” SERIOUSLY. *cry*
BUT… but. How much beauty I would have been blind to had I gotten my own way. How much personal growth would never have happened. How much compassion, empathy, and spirited campaigning for others who suffer would have remained undeveloped, always within me but never discovered, had I gotten my own way. Yes, it absolutely is unfair that I have Lyme Disease and must only watch from the sidelines while others get to go about their days, socializing with their colleagues and friends, dining out and riding their bikes and enjoying the world. It is unfair that they get a nice hot shower every day and I cannot. They don’t even think about this luxury as the warm water pours over them. I think about it though. I forgot what it feels like. I imagine it every day. It is unfair that all of our income must go to medical expenses. It is unfair that my husband has to stress and worry over medical bills for me. It is unfair that I am tethered to an IV pole right now. It is unfair that my iPad wasn’t cooperating with me creating this post and thus I had to drag my IV pole to the computer room to finish this. It is unfair that by the time I am well and able to interact with the world once again, all of my clothes will be so 2012.
I’m generally more sarcastic during times of duress, just so you know. But also those last complaints were actually like, only 65% sarcastic.
A comment I get a lot of these days is “I’m sorry”. Ironically, the longer I remain sick the less sorry I am and the more accepting I become. I have come to see that once I embrace the injustices and unfairness that is present in my life, once I embrace it properly for what it is (a schooling, character building moment), then it can transform me into something far more impressive than had I received my every whim. Gosh, can you imagine the complete selfishness I would have assumed if I got my every little way? Probably more selfish than I am even now. Trials will always be there, as Neal A. Maxwell so straightforwardly put it. Next time they find me (oh within the hour I assure you) I hope to say a little less “No fair!”, and bend a little more to the will of Him who created me. Not that it is His will I or you suffer injustices, but it is His will that when injustices find us, that we suffer them without complaint, choosing instead humility and faith.
But back to my Marinol to wrap this up. We aren’t exactly on speaking terms right now. I don’t know what happened. A night of writhing and heaving and all the tears that autonomously drip down cheeks when the body is at its limit wasn’t planned for at all last night. A few more days in to this cycle, maybe, but day one? Nope. All I could think of was how I was going to call my doctor the next morning and saying “I give”. I threw up TWO Marinol pills, two expensive Marinol pills. Marinol has ALWAYS worked for me so far. But it happened, and it was a very difficult night for me. In the end, with nothing left to lose, I tried swallowing some zeolite and bentonite clays which actually stopped the madness within minutes and I could finally sleep some. It is a new day now, and it is okay. I am back on track. And if it happens again, it will be okay. It will continue to be unfair, but I will try to continue to say “It’s okay”.
Moral of my post today: I sang from the mountains for Marinol when actually swallowing dirt worked better.
Kidding. Life is unfair for all of us. Tell God you humbly accept it, move forward anyways and become something beautiful in the midst of these ugly things. Just like the people in paragraph 1 you had to Wikipedia. The end.